At this point in my life, I have started to pay more attention to words, what their meanings are, their etymology, how the words are used in common usage, and most importantly, what the words mean to me.
As a teacher and a coach, I have the occasion to express my joy from the
achievement of my students and players. Even though the feelings I express are
sincere, I sometimes have problems with how I express my feelings.
Recently, the simple phrase: “I am proud of you” has captured
my attention. It is the implication of the sentiment of what the phrase says versus
the true sentiment of what I am trying to express. The key is the word “of”. I
am not good at parsing sentences, but here is my analysis of the problem. The
word “of” implies that I take pride in what you have done. But should I be
taking pride in what you have done? The pride that is expressed is mine whereas
the pride should rightfully be yours for doing whatever it is that you have
done. The word “of” puts me in the middle of the action, making me the center
of attention.
It is natural for us to use the expression: “I am happy for
you”, we don’t give it another thought. In my parsing, the happiness is
naturally yours, the word “for” implies that I am not the center of attention,
you are, and it is your happiness that we are celebrating.
It seems to me that we really should be saying: “ I am proud
for you.” The change is seemingly minor yet profound. It refocuses attention
on the person who has a right to be proud, the person who has accomplished a laudable feat or feats rather
than someone who did not have a direct connection to what was accomplished.
I further thought about why we say what we say. I am
not saying that we deliberately seek to take the credit from the person who we should
be focused on. Very few people are as obtuse and offensive as wanting to deliberately
draw attention to themselves, but I wonder why we do this, other than the
fact that the saying has become a procedural response; it seems like it is
second nature, it just rolls off the tongue.
I further hypothesize that we want those who are the
recipient of our expression to understand that we celebrate with them while
also subtly imply that we have something to do with their pride. We are taking
credit for the accomplishment by proxy: I am proud because I think I influenced
you enough to so that you are able to accomplish what you accomplished; that
interpretation just detracts from the sincerity.
I am going to stop saying that. I will, however, say: I am
proud for you.
Parenthetically, Word just suggested that I need to substitute
“of” for “for” in my last grammar check.
