My dad passed on February 27, 2001. There is not a day that
goes by that I don’t miss him. I miss his counsel, his warmth, his wisdom, and
the particular way he is able to get through the thick head of his only son.
It isn’t just the holidays, it isn’t just Father’s Day, or
his birthday, or the day he passed away, or any of the usual milestones on the
calendar. It is every day.
On Father’s Day, the knife digs a lot deeper in the heart,
because it is a 24-hour reminder that I don’t have him anymore. I do have the
memory, that I will never give up, unless I get senile. But I don’t have him at
the touch of a phone call, I don’t have him to hold and hug. I can’t sit down
with him for some beers or scotch, all the while hiding it from my mom; because
he is not here.
So, for me, Father’s Day is painful, it has been painful since
2001, it will remain painful for the rest of my life. I will live through the
this, as I have every year because this is what you have to do to get through
the pain and the melancholy, and the despondence. Every year I am reminded that
Father’s Day is for the living dads. It is for everyone who has their father
here with them. It is their time to celebrate his presence, their relationship,
however it is. It is their time to tell their dad’s just how they feel about
their relationship and to say “I love you” over and over again, no matter how
awkward it may sound as it leaves your lips. No matter what kind of face you or
your dad make when it comes out. It is important to say it, eyes fixed on your
dad, back straight, voice humble and loud, just as your dad taught you.
Say it and mean it because there may not be another chance.
Life is uncertain and fickle. You think he knows and understands how you feel,
but you need to say it because you don’t want to live like me and others who
don’t have our dads here and now. There is a hole in our hearts that nothing
can fill. Don’t be like us because we are going through life with regrets over
things we have not said, things between us that are left undone, glories that
can not be shared, conversations that can never exist, love that can never be conveyed.
It is a sadness that I don’t wish on anyone.
Life is for the living. So live, live fully and honestly. I
will be watching and while I may be a little jealous, I will also be happily
living vicariously through your acts of love this Father’s Day.
Peace.
